So stay with us because later this afternoon,
we're lucky enough to be talking to Anna Scott,
Hollywood's biggest star by far.
Miss Scott's latest film is once again topping the charts.
Of course l've seen her films...
and always thought she was, well, fabulous.
But, you know, a million, million miles from the world l live in...
which is here, Notting Hill, my favourite bit of London.
There's the market on weekdays selling every fruit and vegetable known to man.
Rock-hard bananas, five for a pound !
The tattoo parlour with a guy outside who got drunk...
and now can't remember why he chose ""l love Ken.""
The radical hairdressers...
where everyone comes out looking like the Cookie Monster,
whether they want to or not.
And then, suddenly, it's the weekend,
and from break of day hundreds of stalls appear out of nowhere,
filling Portobello Road, right up to Notting Hill Gate.
And wherever you look thousands of people are buying millions of antiques,
some genuine and some... not quite so genuine.
And what's great is that lots of friends have ended up in this part of London.
That's Tony, for example, architect turned chef,
who recently invested all the money he ever earned in a new restaurant.
And so, this is where l spend my days and years...
in this small village in the middle of the city in a house with a blue door...
that my wife and l bought together before she left me for a man...
who looked exactly like Harrison Ford.
And where l lead a strange half-life with a lodger called--
Spike !
You couldn't help me with an incredibly important decision, could you ?
lmportant compared to, let's say, whether they cancel Third World debt ?
That's right. l am at last going out on a date with the great Janine,
and l just wanna be sure l've picked the right T-shirt.
- What are the choices ? - Well, wait for it.
First there's this one. Cool, huh ?
Yeah, it might make it hard to strike a really romantic note.
Point taken. Don't despair.
lf it's romance we're looking for, l believe l have just the thing.
Yeah, well, there again, she might not think you had true love on your mind.
Right. Just one more.
True love here l come.
Well, yeah. Yeah, that's-- that's, um, perfect.
Great. Thanks.
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
And so it was just another hopeless Wednesday,
as l walked the thousand yards through the market to work,
never suspecting that this was the day that was gonna change my life forever.
This is work, by the way, my little travel bookshop,
- Morning, Martin. - Morning, Monsignor.
which, um, well, sells travel books,
and, to be frank with you, doesn't always sell many of those.
Classic. Profit from major sales push,
minus £347.
Shall l, uh, go and get you a cappuccino ?
- You know, ease the pain a bit. - Yeah, yeah.
Better make it a half. All l can afford.
Get your logic. Demi-cappu coming right up.
Um, can l help you at all ?
No, thanks. l'll just... look around.
Fine.
Uh, that book's really not great.
Just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying. You'd be wasting your money.
But if it's Turkey you're interested in,
um, this one, on the other hand, is very good.
Um, l think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps.
Um, there's also a very amusing incident with a kebab,
um, which is one of many amusing incidents.
Thanks. l'll think about it.
Or, in the bigger hardback variety, there's--
l'm sorry. Can you just give me a second ?
Excuse me.
- Yes ? - Bad news.
What ?
We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop.
So ?
So l saw you put that book down your trousers.
- What book ? - The one down your trousers.
l don't have a book down my trousers.
Right.
l tell you what. Um, l'll call the police, and, um,
if l'm wrong about the whole ""book down the trousers"" scenario,
l really apologize.
Okay. What if... l did have a book down my trousers ?
Well, ideally, when l went back to the desk,
you'd remove the Cadogan Guide to Bali from your trousers...
and either wipe it and put it back or buy it.
l'll see you in a sec.
l'm sorry about that.
No, it's fine.
l was gonna steal one, but now l've changed my mind.
Oh, signed by the author, l see.
Um, yeah, couldn't stop him.
lf you can find an unsigned one, it's worth an absolute fortune.
Excuse me.
- Yes ? - Can l have your autograph ?
Uh, sure.
- What's your name ? - Rufus.
What does it say ?
That's my signature. And above it, it says, ""Dear Rufus, you belong in jail.""
Good one.
- Do you want my phone number ? - Tempting.
But... no. Thank you.
l will take this one.
Oh, right, right. So, uh--
Well, on second thoughts, um, maybe it's not that bad after all.
Actually, it's a sort of a classic, really.
None of those childish kebab stories you find in so many books these days.
And, um, l tell you what.
l'll throw in one of those for free.
Useful for, uh, lighting fires,
wrapping fish, that sort of thing.
- Thanks. - Pleasure.
Cappuccino, as ordered.
Thanks.
l don't think you'll believe who was just in here.
Who ? Was it someone famous ?
Would be exciting, though, wouldn't it,
if someone famous came into the shop ? Hmm ?
Do you know-- and this is pretty amazing, actually--
but l once saw Ringo Starr.
- Where was that ? - Kensington High Street.
At least l think it was Ringo.
lt might have been that man from Fiddler on the Roof.
- You know, Toppy. - Topol.
Yes, that's right. Topol.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't-- doesn't look at all like, uh, Topol.
Yeah, but he was-- he was quite a long way away from me.
So actually it could've been neither of them.
Yes, l suppose so, yes.
- lt's not a classic anecdote, is it ? - Not a classic, no. No.
- Another one ? - Yes. No.
Let's go crazy. l'll have an orange juice.
- Oh, my God ! - Bugger ! l'm so sorry. l'm so sorry.
- Here. Let me-- - Get your hands off !
l'm really sorry. l-- l live just over the street.
l have, um, water and soap. You can get cleaned up.
No, thank you. l just need to get my car back.
l also have a phone. l'm confident that in five minutes...
we could have you spick-and-span and back on the street again.
ln the non-prostitute sense, obviously.
All right. Well-- What do you mean, ""just over the street"" ?
- Give it to me in yards. - Uh, 18 yards.
That's my house there with the blue front door.
Come on in. l'll just-- l'll just--
Um, right. Right. Come in.
lt's, um, not quite as tidy as it normally is, l fear.
But, um-- The bathroom's on the top floor.
And the telephone's just-- just up here.
Here. Let-- Let me, um--
Um, round the corner. Straight on-- straight on up.
Bugger.
Would you like a cup of tea before you go ?
- No. - Coffee ?
- No. - Orange juice ?
Probably not. Um, something else cold.
Coke ? Water ?
Some disgusting sugary drink...
pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest ?
- No. - Would you like something to eat ?
Uh, something to nibble ?
Um, apricots soaked in honey ?
Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting of apricots...
and makes them taste like honey,
and if you wanted honey, you'd just buy honey instead of... apricots.
Um, but nevertheless, there we go there.
They're yours if you want them.
Do you always say ""no"" to everything ?
l'd better be going.
Thanks for your, uh, help.
You're welcome.
And, uh, may l also say, um, heavenly.
l'll just take my one chance to say it.
After you've read that terrible book,
you're certainly not going to be coming back to the shop.
Thank you.
Yeah. Well, my pleasure.
So...
it was nice to meet you.
Surreal but, um-- but nice.
Sorry.
""Surreal but nice"" ? What was l thinking ?
- l forgot my other bag. - Oh, right. Right.
Thanks.
l'm very sorry about the ""surreal but nice"" comment.
- Disaster. - That's okay.
l thought the apricot and honey thing was the real low point.
Oh, my God. My flatmate.
l'm sorry. There's no excuse for him.
l'm just going into the kitchen to get some food.
Then l'm gonna tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.
Probably best not to tell anyone about this.
Right. Right. No one.
l mean, l'll tell myself sometimes.
But don't worry. l won't believe it.
There's something wrong with this yogurt.
lt's not yogurt. lt's mayonnaise.
Oh, right. There we are then.
On for a videofest tonight ?
l got some absolute classics.
- Smile. - No.
- Smile. - l've got nothing to smile about.
Okay.
ln about seven seconds,
l'm going to ask you to marry me.
lmagine.
Somewhere in the world there's a man who's allowed to kiss her.
Yes, she is, uh,
fairly fabulous.
- Do you have any books by Dickens ? - No.
No, l'm afraid we're a travel bookshop. We only sell travel books.
Oh, right. How about the new John Grisham thriller ?
Well, no, 'cause that's, uh-- that's a novel too, isn't it ?
Oh, right.
Have you got Winnie the Pooh ?
Martin, your customer.
Uh, can l help you ?
Just, um, incidentally,
uh, why... are you wearing that ?
Combination of factors really. Uh, no clean clothes.
There never will be, you know, unless you actually clean your clothes.
Right. Vicious circle.
And l was, like, rooting around in your things...
and l found this, and l thought ""cool.""
Kinda... spacey.
There's something wrong with the goggles, though.
No, they were, um, prescription.
-Groovy. -So l could see all the fishes properly.
You should do more of this stuff.
- So, look, any messages today ? - Yeah, l wrote a couple down.
So there were two. There were two messages ? Right ?
You want me to write down all your messages ?
Okay, who are the ones that you didn't write down from ?
No. Gone completely.
Oh, no. There was one from your mum.
She said don't forget lunch, and her leg's hurting again.
- No one else ? - Absolutely no one else.
Though if we're going for this obsessive writing down all the message thing,
some American girl called Anna called a few days ago.
- What did she say ? - Well, it was genuinely bizarre.
She said, ""Hi. lt's Anna."" Then she said, ""Call me at The Ritz""...
and then gave herself a completely different name.
- Which was ? - Absolutely no idea.
Remembering one name's hard enough.
No, l-- l know that. She-- She said that.
Um, l know she's using another name.
The problem is she left the message with my flatmate...
which was a very serious mistake.
Um, l don't know. lmagine, if you will, the stupidest person you've ever met.
- Are you doing that ? - Yes, sir, l have him in my mind.
And now double it. And that is the, um-- what can l say--
the git that l am living with.
And he can't remember--
- Try Flintstone. - l'm sorry, what ?
l think she said her name was Flintstone.
l don't-- l don't suppose, um, Flintstone rings any bells, does it ?
- Oh, l'll put you right through, sir. - Oh, my God.
Hello. Hi.
- Hi there. - Hello ?
- Sorry. lt's William... Thacker. - Yes ?
Um, we-- l work in a bookshop.
Oh, no, l promise you l've never played anything cool in my entire life.
My flatmate, who'll l'll stab to death later, never gave me the message.
l don't know. Perhaps, um,
l could drop round for tea later or something.
Right. Right. Great.
Classic.
- Which floor ? - Three, please.
Uh, are you sure this is--
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
- Hi. Hi. l'm Karen. - Hi.
l'm sorry. Things are running a little bit late.
Here's the, uh, thing. Do you wanna come this way ?
Through here.
So what did you think of the film ?
Yeah, l thought it was fantastic. l thought it was, uh,
Close Encounters meets Jean de Florette.
l agree.
l'm sorry. l didn't get down what magazines you're from.
- Time Out. - Great.
And you're from ?
Horse & Hound.
The name's William Thacker. l think, actually, she might be expecting me.
Oh, okay. Take a seat and l'll go check.
l see you've, uh-- l see you've brought her some flowers.
These are for my, um, grandmother.
She's in a hospital just down the road.
Thought l'd kill two birds with one stone, you know.
Sure, right. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
Which hospital's that ?
Do you mind me not saying ? lt's a rather distressing disease.
Name of the hospital kind of gives it away.
Right, uh, Mr Thacker. Will you come this way.
Right.
You've got five minutes.
- Hi. - Hello.
Uh, l brought these, but clearly--
No, they're great. They're great.
Ah, listen, l'm sorry about not ringing back.
The whole ""two-names concept""...
was totally too much for my flatmate's pea-sized intellect.
No, it's a stupid privacy thing. l always pick a... cartoon character.
Last time l was Mrs Bambi.
- Everything all right ? - Yes, thank you.
And you're from, uh, Horse & Hound.
ls that so ? Well.
So, uh--
Uh, l'll just... fire away then, shall l ?
Right.
The film's great, and, um,
l just was wondering whether...
you ever thought of having, um,
more, uh, horses in it.
Uh, well, we would have liked to,
but it was, um, difficult, obviously, being set in space.
Space, right, yeah. Yeah, obviously very difficult.
l'm so sorry. l arrived outside.
They thrust this thing into my hand--
No, it's my fault. l thought this would all be over by now.
l just wanted to sort of apologize for the kissing thing.
l seriously don't know what came over me.
And l just wanted to make sure that you were fine about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely fine.
Do remember that Miss Scott is also keen to talk about her next project...
which is, um, shooting later in the summer.
Ah, yes, excellent. Excellent.
Any horses in that one ?
Or hounds for that matter. Our readers are equally intrigued by both species.
lt takes place on a submarine.
Oh. Well, bad luck.
But, um,
if there were horses in it,
would you be riding them...
or would you be getting, a-- a stunt-horse-double-man-thing ?
l-l'm a complete moron. l apologize. l--
This is very weird. lt's the sort of thing that happens in dreams,
not in real life.
l mean, good dreams. lt's a--
lt's a dream, in fact, uh, to see you again.
What happens next in the dream ?
l suppose in the, uh, dream--
dream scenario-- l just, uh,
change my personality...
because you can do that in dreams and, um,
walk over and, uh, kiss the girl.
But, uh--
Time's up, l'm afraid. Did you get what you wanted ?
- Um, nearly, nearly. - Well, maybe just one last question.
- Sure. - Right, right.
Are you... busy tonight ?
- Yes. - Right. Right.
- Come in. - Well, it was nice to meet you.
Yes, and you.
Surreal... but nice.
Thank you. You are Horse & Hound's favourite actress.
You and Black Beauty...
tied.
How was she ?
Oh, um, fabulous.
Excellent. Wait a minute. She took your grandmother's flowers.
Uh, yeah, yeah. That's right.
- Bitch. - Oh, Mr Thacker.
Mr Thacker, if you'd like to come with me, we can rush you through the others.
The others ?
Mr Thacker is from Horse & Hound.
- How's it going ? - Very well, thank you.
Have a seat.
Well, did you enjoy the film ?
Yes, enormously.
- Well, fire away. - Right.
Did you enjoy making the film ?
- Yes, l did. - Good.
Any bit in particular ?
You tell me what bit you enjoyed the most,
and l'll tell you if l enjoyed making that bit.
Uh, l...
liked the bit in space...
very much.
Did you identify with the character you're playing ?
Oh. Why not ?
Because he's playing a psychopathic flesh-eating robot.
Classic.
So, uh,
is this your first film ?
No. lt's my 22nd.
Of course it is. Any favourites among the 22 ?
Working with Leonardo.
- Da Vinci ? - DiCaprio.
Of course.
And is-- is he your favourite ltalian director ?
- Mr Thacker. - Oh, no.
- Have you got a minute ? - No.
Um-- Yeah, so the, um--
the-- the thing l was doing tonight, l'm not doing any more.
l told them l had to spend the evening...
with Britain's premier equestrian journalist.
Oh. Well, great.
Fantastic. That's, uh--
Oh. Shittity brickitty.
lt's my sister's birthday. Shit. We're meant to be having dinner.
- Okay, that's fine. - No. l'm sure l can get out of it.
No, l mean, if it's fine with you, l'll be your date.
You-- You'll be my date...
to my little sister's birthday party ?
- lf it's all right. - Well, yeah, l'm sure it's all right.
My friend Max is cooking,
and he is generally acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world.
But, um, you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something.
- Okay. - Okay.
- He's bringing a girl ? - Miracles do happen.
- Does the girl have a name ? - Don't know. Wouldn't say.
Oh, Christ ! What is going on in there ?
Oh, God !
Hi. Come on in. Vague food crisis.
Hiya ! Sorry.
The guinea fowl is proving more complicated than expected.
- He's cooking guinea-fowl ? - Don't even ask.
Good Lord, you're the spitting image of--
Bella, this is Anna.
- Right. - Okay, crisis over.
Max, this is Anna.
- Hi. - Hello, Anna--
Scott. Have some wine.
Thank you.
l'll get it.
Red or white ?
- Oh. Hey. - Hi.
- Oh, yes, happy birthday. - Thank you.
Look, your brother's brought this girl.
Hi, guys.
Oh, holy fuck !
Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She's my baby sister.
Oh. Hi.
Oh, God. This is one of those key moments in life...
when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool...
and l-- l'm going to fail just a hundred percent.
l-- l absolutely, totally and utterly adore you.
And l just think... you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
And, more importantly, l genuinely believe,
and l've believed for some time now, that we could be best friends.
So what do you think ?
Uh, lucky me.
Well, happy birthday.
Oh, you gave me a present. We're best friends already then.
Marry Will. He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.
Well, l'll think about it.
That'll be Bernie.
- Hi. - Hi. Sorry l'm late.
Bollocksed up at work again, l fear.
- Millions down the drain. - Well done.
- Bernie, this is Anna. - Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.
-And you. -Honey bunny, Happy birthday to you
- Hi, Bella. - Hi.
Um, it-- it-- it's a hat. You don't have to wear it or anything.
- Hi, Will. - Hi.
- What ?
- Wine, Bernie ? - Mm.
You haven't slept with her, have you ?
That is a cheap question, and the answer is, or course, no comment.
- No comment means ""yes."" - No, it doesn't.
- Do you ever masturbate ? - Definitely no comment.
- You see, it means ""yes."" - Oh, my God !
So, uh, tell me, um, Anna, what do you do ?
- l'm an actress. - Oh, splendid.
What do you do ?
l'm actually in the stock market myself, so, uh, not really similar fields.
Though, um-- um, l have done the odd bit of amateur stuff.
Um-- uh, P. G. Wodehouse. Farce, all that, you know.
""Careful there, Vicar.""
Always imagined it's a pretty tough job, though, acting.
- The wages are a scandal, aren't they ? - They can be.
l see friends from university-- clever chaps.
Been in the business longer than you.
They're scraping by on seven, eight thousand a year.
You know, it's no life.
- What sort of acting do you do ? - Films, mainly.
Oh, splendid. Oh, well done. How's the pay in movies ?
l mean, last film you did, what did you get paid ?
Fifteen million dollars.
Right.
So that's, well, fairly good.
Right, l think we're ready.
Bella, can you tell me where l can find--
Oh, sorry. lt's down the corridor on the right.
l'll show you.
Quickly, quickly. Talk very, very quickly.
What are you doing here with Anna Scott ?
- Anna Scott ? - Yes. Shut up !
- What, the film star ? - Shh !
- Oh, God ! - What ?
- Oh, God. Oh, goddy God. - What did you say to her ?
l don't believe it. l actually walked into the loo with her.
l was still chatting when she started unbuttoning her jeans.
- She had to ask me to leave. - Oh, God.
So you knew who she was ?
Of course l did, but he didn't.
Well, not instantly, but l-- l-- l got away with it.
- What do you think of the guinea-fowl ? - l'm a vegetarian.
Oh, God.
So, how's the guinea-fowl ?
Best guinea-fowl l've ever tasted.
Having you here, Anna, firmly establishes what l've long suspected--
that we really are the most desperate lot of underachievers.
- Shame. - l'm not saying it's a bad thing.
ln fact, l think it's something we should take pride in.
l'm gonna give the last brownie as a prize...
to the saddest act here.
- Uh-oh. - Bern.
Yeah, all right. Well, obviously, it's me, isn't it ?
l mean, l work in the city in a job l don't understand,
and everyone keeps getting promoted above me.
l haven't had a girlfriend since-- well, since puberty.
And... nobody fancies me.
And if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will.
- Nonsense. l fancy you. - Really ?
Yeah. Or l did before you got so fat.
You see. And unless l'm much mistaken,
your job still pays you rather a lot of money...
whilst Honey here earns 20 pence a week...
flogging her guts out in London's worst record store.
Yes ! And l haven't got hair. l've got feathers.
And l've got funny goggly eyes. And l'm attracted to cruel men.
And, actually, no one will marry me...
because, um, my boosies have actually started shrinking.
- You see, it's incredibly sad. - But on the other hand,
her best friend is Anna Scott.
That's true. l can't deny it. She needs me. What can l say ?
And most of her limbs work, whereas l'm stuck in this thing day and night,
in a house full of ramps.
And to add insult to serious injury,
l've totally given up smoking, my favourite thing.
And, um, well, the truth is,
we can't have a baby.
Oh, Belle.
C'est la vie.
Still, um, we're lucky in lots of ways.
But surely that's worth a brownie.
Well, l don't know. Look at William.
- Very unsuccessful professionally. - That's true.
Divorced. Used to be handsome, now kind of squidgy round the edges.
And absolutely certain never to hear from Anna again...
- once she's heard that his nickname at school was-- - Floppy.
You did. l can't believe it, you did.
Thanks very much. Thank you. Well, at least l get the last brownie.
l think so, yes.
Well, wait. What about me ?
l'm sorry ? You think you deserve the brownie ?
Well, a shot at it at least, huh ?
You'll have to prove it. This is a very, very good brownie.
l'm gonna fight for it.
l've been on a diet every day since l was 19,
which basically means l've been hungry for a decade.
l've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me.
Uh, and every time l get my heart broken,
the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment.
And... it's taken two rather painful, um, operations...
to get me looking like this.
- Really ? - Really.
And one day not long from now, my looks will go,
they will discover l can't act,
and l will become some sad, middle-aged woman...
who... looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.
No, nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone.
Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
- Thank you for such a terrific time. - l'm delighted.
- That's a great tie. - Now you're lying.
Okay, it's true. l told you l was bad at acting.
- lt was lovely to meet you. - Yeah, and you. And you.
l'll wait until you've gone before l tell him you're a vegetarian.
- Good night. - l'm so sorry about the loo thing.
l meant to leave. l just--
Ring me if you want someone to go shopping with.
l know lots of nice, cheap places, not that money is necessarily--
lt was just so nice to meet you.
- Happy birthday. You're my style guru. - Thank you.
- Sorry. Can l just-- - Oh.
- Thanks. - Leave her.
- Good night, everyone. - Bye.
Max, Belle, we'll see you in a couple of days.
- Thank you, everybody. Call us. - Bye, guys.
- Bye, Anna. - Love your work.
Bye, Hon.
Sorry. They always do that when l leave the house.
lt's a stupid thing. l hate it.
- ""Floppy,"" huh ? - lt's the hair.
- Mm-hmm. - lt's to do with the hair.
Why is she in a wheelchair ?
Uh, because she had an accident about 18 months ago.
And the pregnancy thing, is that to do with the accident ?
You know, l'm not sure.
l don't think they tried for kids before, as fate would have it.
Do you want to, um--
My place is just, um--
Too complicated.
That's fine.
Busy tomorrow ?
- l thought you were leaving tomorrow. - l was.
All these streets round here have...
these mysterious communal gardens in the middle of them.
- They're like little villages. - Let's go in.
Ah, no, that's the point. They're private villages.
Only the people who live round the edges are allowed in.
Oh. You abide by rules like that ?
l don't. No, no. But others do.
l just do what l want.
Um-- Right.
Whoopsidaisies.
What did you say ?
- Nothing. - Yes, you did.
- No, l didn't. - You said, ""Whoopsidaisies.""
No one says, ""Whoopsidaisies,"" do they ? l mean, unless they're--
There is no ""unless."" Because no one has said ""Whoopsidaisies"" for 50 years.
And even then it was-- it was just little girls with blonde ringlets.
Exactly. Right. So here we go again.
Oh ! Oh ! Whoopsidaisies.
Yeah, well, it's a disease. lt's a clinical thing.
l'm taking pills and having injections. And l'm told it won't last long.
- Okay, stand aside. - l don't think that's a good idea.
Really, it's quite, um, tricky. Anna.
Anna, don't. lt's harder than it-- No, it's not. lt's easy.
Come on, Flopsy.
Right.
All right.
Oh, bugger.
Oh, God, this could be very unpleasant.
Ay ! Bugger, bugger.
Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile ?
Nice garden.
""For June who loved this garden.
From Joseph who always sat beside her.''
Some people do spend their whole lives together.
Come and sit with me.
Bollocks ! Bollocks !
- Have you seen my glasses ? - No, afraid not.
Big, big bollocks ! Average day, my glasses are everywhere.
Everywhere l look there's a pair of glasses.
But when l want to go to the cinema, they've vanished.
lt's one of life's real cruelties.
That's compared to, like, earthquakes in the Far East or testicular cancer, is it ?
Oh, shit. ls that the time ?
Thanks for all your help on the glasses thing.
Oh, you're welcome. Did you find them ?
- Sort of. - Great.
So who left who ?
- Uh, she left me. - Why ?
- She saw through me. - Uh-oh.
That's not good.
You can give me Anna Scott any day.
l didn't like her last film. Fell asleep as soon as the lights went down.
l don't really care what the film's like.
Any film with her in, it's fine by me.
She's not my type at all. l prefer the other one.
You know, blonde, sweet-looking.
You know, what's-her-name.
Has an orgasm every time you take her out for a cup of coffee.
Meg Ryan.
No, she's too wholesome. The point about Miss Scott is...
she's got that twinkle in her eyes.
Probably drug-induced. Spends most of her life in bloody rehab.
Well, whatever. She's so clearly up for it.
You see, most girls, they're all like, ""Stay away, chum.""
But Anna, she is absolutely gagging for it.
Do you know that in over 50°% of the languages,
the word for ""actress"" is the same as the word for ""prostitute"" ?
Where did you get that from ?
And Anna is your definitive actress,
someone really filthy you can just flip over and start again.
- Right, that's it. Sorry. - No, no. There's really no point.
Um, sorry-- sorry to disturb you guys.
- But, um-- - Can l help ?
Well, yeah. l wish l hadn't overheard your conversation, but l did.
And, um, l just think, you know,
the person you're talking about is a real person.
And l think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration...
rather than having jerks like you drooling over her.
Oh, sod off, mate. What are you, her dad ?
- l'm sorry. - No, l love that you tried.
Time was l'd have done the same thing. ln fact--
Hi.
Oh, my God.
l just wanted to apologize for my friend. He's very sensitive.
Uh, look, l'm sorr--
No, no, leave it. lt's, you know-- l'm sure you didn't mean any harm.
l'm sure it was just friendly banter.
l'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner.
The tuna's really good.
l shouldn't have done that. l shouldn't have done that.
- No, you were brilliant. - l'm rash and l'm stupid.
What am l doing with you ?
Uh, l don't know, l'm afraid.
l don't either.
Here we are.
Yes.
- Well, look-- - Do you wanna come up ?
Well, there seems to be... lots of reasons why l shouldn't, so--
There are lots of reasons.
Do you wanna come up ?
Give me five minutes ?
To be able to do that is such a wonderful thing.
- You've got to go. - Why ?
Because my boyfriend who was in America is, in fact, now in the next room.
- Boyfriend ? - Yes.
- Baby, who is it ? - Uh, it's, uh--
- Uh-- - Uh, room service.
Oh. How you doing ? l thought you guys always wore those, uh, penguin coats.
Usually we do.
But l was just, uh-- just changed to go home.
And, um, then l thought l'd take this final call.
Oh, great. lf you don't mind, l would like something too.
Could you bring me up some really, really cold water ?
l'll see what l can do.
- Still, not sparkling. - Absolutely. lce-cold still water.
Unless it's illegal in the U.K. to serve beverages below room temperature.
l wouldn't want you going to jail just to satisfy my whim, now.
- No, l'm sure it's fine. - Thank you.
Hey, one more thing.
Could you adios these dirty dishes and take out that trash too ?
- Uh-- - Right.
No. No. Um, don't-- don't-- don't do that.
l don't think it's his job to clear.
Oh, l'm sorry. l'm sorry. What's your name, man ?
Bernie.
Oh, listen, Bernie.
Thank you. l really appreciate it.
Hey, you.
So, tell me. Tell me, tell me. Good surprise or nasty surprise ?
- Good surprise. - Oh, you're such a liar.
She hates surprises. Hey, what are you gonna order ?
- Huh ? - From him. What are you gonna order ?
Um, l haven't decided yet.
Oh, well, don't overdo it.
l don't want people saying, ""There goes that famous actor with the big, fat girlfriend.""
l should leave.
This is a fairly strange reality to be faced with.
l'm so sorry.
l don't know...
what to say.
Well,
l think, um,
""goodbye"" is traditional.
Come on.
Open up.
This is me. Spikey.
l'm in contact with some quite important spiritual vibrations.
Come on. Hit me with it.
- There's this girl-- - Aha.
See, l been gettin' a female vibe. Good.
Speak on, dear friend.
She's someone who...
can't be mine, and, uh,
it's as if l've taken love heroin, and now l can't ever have it again.
l've opened Pandora's box and there's trouble inside.
Yeah.
Tricky.
l knew a girl at school called Pandora.
Never got to see her box or--
Right.
Right. Thanks. That's very helpful.
You didn't know she had a boyfriend ?
Why ? Did you ?
Oh, bloody hell. l don't believe it.
My whole life ruined because l don't read Hello magazine.
Let's face facts. This was always a no-win situation.
Anna's... a goddess.
You know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods.
- Buggered, is it ? - Every time.
But don't despair. l think l have the solution to your problems.
- Really ? - Mm-hmm. Her name is Tessa.
She works in the Contracts Department.
The hair, l admit, is unfashionably frizzy,